Beyond Understanding


It was one of those nights. I rarely have trouble sleeping, even to the point of my friends dubbing me as mildly narcoleptic. Usually I can fall asleep anytime and anywhere. Sleep has always come easily to me, and I have been blessed in this way. But that night was different. I had finished reading my daily “Streams in the Desert” devotion for the evening, and spent some time in prayer, which usually calms my soul in order to find peaceful slumber, but sleep wasn’t coming to me that night. My thoughts were troubled and filled with ponderings of which I could not understand. I was thinking back on last semesters Systematic Theology 2 class, and what I had been confronted with in that class. I struggled with the idea of being chosen by God through adoption, and being justified through my obedience and growing in my relationship with Christ, despite my seemingly continual struggle with sin. How could God see any potential in me when I don’t see any in myself? How could God think I was worth his time and perfect blood, when I know I am not worthy of such things? How can I separate obedience and good works because of my gratefulness to Christ, from legalism, and doing them because I know I should? I know I don’t earn my salvation, it is a free gift of God for eternal life (Romans 6:23), but I am still called to pursue a holy, righteous life. I can’t wrap my mind around the adoption of a sinful, desperately helpless girl like me, by a holy, righteous, perfect God. I can’t imagine that he looked on me with love, even in my sinfulness and chose me (Romans 5:8). I can’t comprehend my salvation and Soteriology. I don’t understand all the dynamics of my God. I don’t fully realize his love for me and the grace he bestows on me every day of my life, allowing me to wake up breathing, studying what I love, serving him in what I enjoy, and showing others how they can experience this fathomless mystery of God’s love and grace. I don’t understand any of it. My finite mind will never fully understand these infinite concepts. And on that night, these thoughts kept me from sleep. I was becoming overwhelmed with the thoughts swirling in my mind and the tossing and turning of my tired body. Suddenly, the Lord brought a passage of Scripture to mind that I recited just like so many times before, but this time, it made a bigger impact on my heart than ever before. As I recited Proverbs 2:5&6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths”, its meaning became so much clearer to me in that moment. I have always been one who strives for understanding in whatever I do, whether it is algebra, training dogs, psychology, or Soteriology, I desperately want to understand it so it can all make sense to me and I can move on. However, for what seemed like the first time in my life this was becoming impossible. I could not grasp these infinite ideas. I could not just understand them and move on. I had to wrestle with them, seeking to understand, but the end result needed to be the surrendering of my own understanding and the recognition that as long as I cling to Christ, he will reveal what I need to know and understand in his perfect timing in order for me to navigate through this life with his divine leading. It is not necessary for me to have everything figured out right now in order to be a “good” Christian. Rather, as long as I am acknowledging Christ in everything, he will guide and direct me and map out my path for me. That provides more comfort than any amount of understanding could bring.  

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